Present Not What If

This week has been tough. Really tough. My anxiety has been high and the what if scenario has been on my mind since Sunday.

On Sunday afternoon we were all just chilling in our front room. Normal day. Everything going well.

We have two daughters, Esme (2.5) and Tilly (6 months). Esme was playing around and being her usual cheeky self. It had been a few weeks of illnesses. Gastroenteritis, followed by colds and then Tilly had started teething. She then got conjunctivitis. Poor little thing. She really had been through the ringer.

Katie (Mum) has been weening her but had to stop due to the illnesses and Sunday was the restart day. Tilly loves her food and had been doing well with weening.

Katie cooked some scrambled egg and have Tilly a very small spoon of it. At first, Tilly seemed to not want it even push it away for some reason, but eventually the little spoon delivered the morale of goodness. Or so we thought.

She started crying, which had been common over these last few weeks. Katie was holding her and I thought I’ll pick her up to see how she was doing. I don’t often do this. The reason being when she is crying all she wants is Mum.

When I picked her up. I noticed straight away that her eyes were very sore. I thought it was the conjunctivitis to start off with and then realised both eyes were the same and both eyes were nearly shut.

I put her down on the change mat we have setup in the kitchen and noticed that she was coughing a bit, she would not leave her eyes alone. I said to Katie, “This doesn’t look good”, she agreed and said “you better call 111”, I said “no, I’m calling 999”. At that point Katie said “look at the white spots under her chin!”.

Straight away I thought allergic reaction as I was connected to the ambulance service.

I explained to them what was going on. They were great and so professional. They said that help was on the way and to stay on the phone.

Tilly started coughing more, I relayed that back to the 999 operator. I then handed the phone and went outside to wait for the ambulance.

They arrived in under 5 minutes. I was astounded and so happy to see them arrive.

I brought Tilly to the ambulance and they started asking questions and checking her over. At this point they said “I don’t like the look of these white spots and we are going to go to Luton & Dunstable hospital. As Katie was still breastfeeding she had to go with her.

I ran back in the house and told her all of this while she frantically packed what she could so that she could go.

We then left each other, Katie to the hospital and me back to look after Esme.

I’m not going to lie I was in bits at this point. But as always Esme, being the intuitive little soul that she is, came over and gave me a hug.

I text Katie a couple of times but the replies were sporadic. After they were at the hospital I asked again what happened in the ambulance ?

“She went quiet, needed adrenaline shots and oxygen”

I knew this meant a lot more than it said. I knew then things were bad in the ambulance and if it wasn’t for the professionalism of the ambulance crew then I don’t know what could have happened.

And that is really why I am writing this. Its to understand the what if part of anxiety.

I still am having flashbacks to it. I am still thinking what if the ambulance hadn’t been round the corner. It’s all a little too much. But our family is back together now and that’s all that matters.

Quite often in the CBT course I am taking or in books I have read, they talk about being present. I take that to mean being present now and not thinking about the what if’s. It didn’t happen. That’s what I need to focus on that and the fact I am here with my three girls and they are all happy and well.

That is what I need to focus on.

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